The Lord Knows

what we need to hear and our hearts.  This truth always touches my soul deep down to the core.  From time to time I am asked, "How do you hear God speak to you?  What do you mean you know that this is the Lord telling you this?"  He speaks to us in many ways (His word, music, other believers ... there is a good article on it here if you want to go into scriptural detail about each).  But, for me, the most often way I hear his voice is through scripture ... His living and breathing word.  You may say, "I pick up and read my Bible and I don't hear him talking back."  Well, here is an example that blew me away the other day and brought me to my knees with thanksgiving of this precious gift.

Thursday morning I. was. utterly.  exhausted.  By 9 am when I sat down to write out in my prayer journal and soak in some quiet time, I was not sure I had it in me to stay awake to write or read a single word.  That morning had been rough.  Well, the night before was what was tough, which made me impatient and quick to anger, which led to feistier than usual children.  If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that Kirby has had night waking issues since she was 2.  We praised the Lord when Patton turned 2 and still continued to sleep through the night.  Dun dun dun ... que the scary music ... a few weeks ago Kirby insisted that her and Patton start sleeping in the same room.  She said she would sleep all night long in there, because she "had to make sure Patton was staying in his bed."  Wishful thinking on our parts.  It started out ok - we set up his bunk beds where they were side by side instead of stacked.  She was so thrilled to the bone to be in there.  CR read them their Zane Grey (insert chuckles here) cowboy stories that have always put Kirby to sleep, but Patton was just too excited about having big sister there.  It ended up taking longer each night to get them to bed, but it was just something we thought would take time to adjust.  After a week or so Kirby decided that whole routine was annoying and Patton bothered her, so back to her room she wanted to go.  Fair enough.  We gave it a shot.  The only problem was that now Patton was used to someone being in the room with him.  GRRRR.  Shoot us in the dang foot.  Again.  This whole parent thing is so much trial and error ... don't start what you don't want to continue ... blah blah blah.  So, now did we not only have Kirby waking up at some point in the night to be taken back to bed once or twice or four times, we now had Patton waking up crying at some point of the night wanting someone in his room.  Wednesday night I think I was up 5 times between the 2 of them.

I have also been reading a book called, "Give them Grace: Dazzling your Kids with the Love of Jesus"  which is so very good, but also very eye opening.  Chapter 2 hit me in the gut and I just wanted to throw the book completely away because I felt I am doing it all wrong.  But then I was reminded of God's grace (which is the whole point of the book) so I continue to press on.

So, back to my morning and the point.  Between the reading from the night before and the events of the attempted sleep hours, I was feeling pretty down about my skills in motherhood.    

Before I dive into my Bible, I pray.  Sometimes its quicker than others; I fall short in this area often, but I love to write out my prayers so that I can look back and be reminded of how merciful our God is.  Answered prayers (or even unanswered prayers) are the best reminder of how much He truly loves his children.  So I tiredly wrote out my heart ... crying out for wisdom, patience, answers, direction, and that I would please Lord please not be put in a nut house when #3 gets here.  Speaking of #3, I was filled with doubt on how in the world all this was going to go once they arrived and how could I manage night feedings and having 2 others not sleeping through the night?  A deep, dark sense of fear and anxiety over came me as I prayed - so then I had to pray to capture those negative thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5).  Spiritual warfare at it's finest ladies and gentlemen.

Then I opened my daily devotional Bible and as I began to read, tears filled my eyes.  Thank you merciful Savior.  The title of the devotional that morning was "The Heart of a Mother".  The assignment was to read Genesis 4:1-26 and the words jumped off the page to me, right into my heart.  "Eve said, 'With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.'"  Genesis 4:1  The entire devotional and reading was about the first woman ... the first mother on Earth.  She had no idea how to handle pregnancy hormones,  no book to guide her such as "What to Expect when you're Expecting", no idea about labor pains, or much more .... what to do to "sleep train" this new creature or how to "dazzle them with grace".  She was the first mother and all she had was God to guide her through it.  To rely upon Him to grant her the patience, wisdom and natural skill only a mother has.

Sigh.  God knew what I was going to read that morning.  He knew when I prayed and poured my heart out, that He had the answers waiting right there for me on the pages that are his.  How much more comfort did I need than that?  He loves me enough to show me smack in the face.  Thank you precious Lord.

And here is how my Thursday afternoon was blessed ....

With the same precious soul that I get the privilege of snuggling with for an extra hour or so each night. Her new MDO had a pre-k graduation ceremony and she loved every minute of it.  So did I ... tears of joy as I watched her sing, dance, and get cupcake icing all over her white dress.

And the evening ended with making personal pizzas and a huge mess all over the floor.  

I wouldn't trade my sleepless nights and floor cleaning days for anything in the world.  For I have realized that I am right where I need to be with my children ... "And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this."  Esther 4:14b 

 Yes, this is my royal position.