but it is the LORD'S purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21
Right after I had Patton, I was certain he was not the last one. With both he and Kirby, I loved every part of being pregnant. I loved the miracle of it all, the feeling of the movement, and then the crazy delivery of not knowing what we were having and my husband being the one to show me our new precious bundle of joy. I was definitely feeling and working on emotions.
Fast forward 6 months and I was going through closets and clothes like crazy trying to find who I could give anything baby to. Kirby had a much harder time adjusting than I thought (ahem, planned), CR was in full swing of harvest and hay bailing that never seemed to end, and although Patton was just perfect and content, I was not. Middle to end of 2013 was hard on me. ridiculously harder than I thought it would be on me. Adjusting to 2 was not what I expected. CR and I never had time to breathe alone. Kirby stopped sleeping through the night in her own bed as soon as we took her crib away, we were too tired (zombie like would be the right description) to put her back into her own bed when she would come in at 2 am, so we just put her in bed with us. The wedges in all my areas grew deeper and harder to budge.
Things started to get a little more settled after the start of 2014. I began going back on my word that I was never having a baby again. Emotions ran strong with all of the previously mentioned feelings. I would go through moments of strong, "I want a baby now" and "I am never, ever, ever having another kid. No way." After we (barely) survived harvest, the Lord put it on my heart that I needed to bring it to him. He already knows our plans, our hearts, our desires, but he still wants us to meet him at his throne and leave it in his hands. So that I did. Every Wednesday night at our women's Bible study, I put the same prayer in the prayer bowl. I never once asked the Lord for a #3. In actuality, it was a 3 part prayer request, with the 3rd being "whether it be your will for our life to only have 2 or to add more, please help our hearts to welcome whatever your gift is. Help us to understand, Lord, that you are mighty and know what is to come. Help me be content with whatever the answer." The other 2 requests had to do with Kirby and school .... 1, do I home school? 2, do we start her in kindergarten or hold her back a year?
Fast forward to beginning of December. CR says to me, completely random-out-of-the-blue like he loves to do, "So, before Disney and all our traveling these last few weeks, I was open to the idea of having another baby in about 2 years. But now, snip me. Take me in and make it official we are done."
Even though Bible study was out, I continued to pray, I continued to have my prayer warriors pray and I was at a complete peace with just waiting to see.
After a quick visit with just the kids and I to Montgomery, which went pleasantly well as far as ease goes, I had the strangest feeling. I laid down to take a nap but couldn't, so I went and took a test. Yes, I keep them in stock ... if you know our history of attempting to get pregnant you know I have about a life supply of them and other tests ;)
Sure enough, it was positive.
I immediately went and sat down at my desk (not sure why there) and started crying -not happy tears mind you. I am not sure why, but I had this rush of extreme doubt; the enemy saw a way in and he started dwelling on my heart hard for a good 3 minutes. "You can't do this. You have such a hard time with the 2 you have. Remember, you have a husband that works long hours during certain seasons, which leaves you alone for long hours. Speaking of husband, he is done with babies. No chance of alone time in your near future." Etc, etc. Please tell me I am not alone in this fight with Satan. Ugh.
Then I lifted my head from my hands for a quick moment, and there was my scripture flip book that I write verses on that mean something in my life. Verses that bring me comfort, remind me of his promises, and also verses to hold me accountable. It was flipped open to this,
I have read this very same verse many times, and never did it hit me the way it did at that very moment. I was instantly reminded that CR and I are not in this alone. Wisdom, knowledge and understanding all come from the Lord when we seek it. The rooms of our house are to be filled with rare and beautiful treasures that He gives us. I hit my knees, first in sorrow and repentance for ever doubting our amazing Lord's plans, and then in thankfulness for what he was doing in our life. By answering my 6 months of prayer in this way, he is making the answer to the other 2 much clearer.
I am 13 weeks along and thus far this pregnancy has not been the easiest on me, but I am reminded every day of His mercy upon my family. Baby is safe and baking well, due August 24th.
When I asked Kirby (before she knew) if she would like another kid in the family, she said "no" without hesitation. Whoops. A few days later my niece spilled the beans to my mom, sister, and Kirby. She was excited for a moment and then told me, with her sweet little mouth twisted to the side like she does, "I said I didn't want anymore." Whoops again. Then I explained to her that obviously the Lord wanted her to have either another brother or a little sister and she loved the idea of a sister. However, at dinner a few weeks ago she made it very clear in her prayer where her precious little heart stood; it went something like this,
"Dear Lord, thank you for our food. Thank you for our day today. Thank you, (sigh) for the baby that is in mommy's tummy, but we don't want anymore after this."
The next night she added, "we don't ever, ever, ever ..."
Oh, from the mouth of babes.
There is no one else in the universe I would rather be doing this life with. I am so thankful for my best friend. So thankful for a God leading, servant hearted husband and father. God always knows and His purpose prevails. I am so thankful that I didn't steer clear of this man when I really wanted to. And I am also thankful he did not faint when I told him the news. ;)
