The Lord Knows

what we need to hear and our hearts.  This truth always touches my soul deep down to the core.  From time to time I am asked, "How do you hear God speak to you?  What do you mean you know that this is the Lord telling you this?"  He speaks to us in many ways (His word, music, other believers ... there is a good article on it here if you want to go into scriptural detail about each).  But, for me, the most often way I hear his voice is through scripture ... His living and breathing word.  You may say, "I pick up and read my Bible and I don't hear him talking back."  Well, here is an example that blew me away the other day and brought me to my knees with thanksgiving of this precious gift.

Thursday morning I. was. utterly.  exhausted.  By 9 am when I sat down to write out in my prayer journal and soak in some quiet time, I was not sure I had it in me to stay awake to write or read a single word.  That morning had been rough.  Well, the night before was what was tough, which made me impatient and quick to anger, which led to feistier than usual children.  If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that Kirby has had night waking issues since she was 2.  We praised the Lord when Patton turned 2 and still continued to sleep through the night.  Dun dun dun ... que the scary music ... a few weeks ago Kirby insisted that her and Patton start sleeping in the same room.  She said she would sleep all night long in there, because she "had to make sure Patton was staying in his bed."  Wishful thinking on our parts.  It started out ok - we set up his bunk beds where they were side by side instead of stacked.  She was so thrilled to the bone to be in there.  CR read them their Zane Grey (insert chuckles here) cowboy stories that have always put Kirby to sleep, but Patton was just too excited about having big sister there.  It ended up taking longer each night to get them to bed, but it was just something we thought would take time to adjust.  After a week or so Kirby decided that whole routine was annoying and Patton bothered her, so back to her room she wanted to go.  Fair enough.  We gave it a shot.  The only problem was that now Patton was used to someone being in the room with him.  GRRRR.  Shoot us in the dang foot.  Again.  This whole parent thing is so much trial and error ... don't start what you don't want to continue ... blah blah blah.  So, now did we not only have Kirby waking up at some point in the night to be taken back to bed once or twice or four times, we now had Patton waking up crying at some point of the night wanting someone in his room.  Wednesday night I think I was up 5 times between the 2 of them.

I have also been reading a book called, "Give them Grace: Dazzling your Kids with the Love of Jesus"  which is so very good, but also very eye opening.  Chapter 2 hit me in the gut and I just wanted to throw the book completely away because I felt I am doing it all wrong.  But then I was reminded of God's grace (which is the whole point of the book) so I continue to press on.

So, back to my morning and the point.  Between the reading from the night before and the events of the attempted sleep hours, I was feeling pretty down about my skills in motherhood.    

Before I dive into my Bible, I pray.  Sometimes its quicker than others; I fall short in this area often, but I love to write out my prayers so that I can look back and be reminded of how merciful our God is.  Answered prayers (or even unanswered prayers) are the best reminder of how much He truly loves his children.  So I tiredly wrote out my heart ... crying out for wisdom, patience, answers, direction, and that I would please Lord please not be put in a nut house when #3 gets here.  Speaking of #3, I was filled with doubt on how in the world all this was going to go once they arrived and how could I manage night feedings and having 2 others not sleeping through the night?  A deep, dark sense of fear and anxiety over came me as I prayed - so then I had to pray to capture those negative thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5).  Spiritual warfare at it's finest ladies and gentlemen.

Then I opened my daily devotional Bible and as I began to read, tears filled my eyes.  Thank you merciful Savior.  The title of the devotional that morning was "The Heart of a Mother".  The assignment was to read Genesis 4:1-26 and the words jumped off the page to me, right into my heart.  "Eve said, 'With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.'"  Genesis 4:1  The entire devotional and reading was about the first woman ... the first mother on Earth.  She had no idea how to handle pregnancy hormones,  no book to guide her such as "What to Expect when you're Expecting", no idea about labor pains, or much more .... what to do to "sleep train" this new creature or how to "dazzle them with grace".  She was the first mother and all she had was God to guide her through it.  To rely upon Him to grant her the patience, wisdom and natural skill only a mother has.

Sigh.  God knew what I was going to read that morning.  He knew when I prayed and poured my heart out, that He had the answers waiting right there for me on the pages that are his.  How much more comfort did I need than that?  He loves me enough to show me smack in the face.  Thank you precious Lord.

And here is how my Thursday afternoon was blessed ....

With the same precious soul that I get the privilege of snuggling with for an extra hour or so each night. Her new MDO had a pre-k graduation ceremony and she loved every minute of it.  So did I ... tears of joy as I watched her sing, dance, and get cupcake icing all over her white dress.

And the evening ended with making personal pizzas and a huge mess all over the floor.  

I wouldn't trade my sleepless nights and floor cleaning days for anything in the world.  For I have realized that I am right where I need to be with my children ... "And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this."  Esther 4:14b 

 Yes, this is my royal position.  

"In their hearts humans plan their course,

but the LORD establishes their steps."  Proverbs 16:9

This verse has been ever true and present over and over in my life.  However, even more so lately.  In so many aspects.  I have always had the tendency to be a planner.  Like, I am the person that had multiple planners growing up and they were all filled with the same things, but I had to make sure it was written in each one.  And then on post its.  And then sometimes a daily agenda (kind of like a lesson plan for my day).  Weirdo.  But it just made me feel better.  Now I am down to one planner, but I do usually also have it in my phone.  Have to make sure.  BUT, the difference now is that not every moment of everyday has to be filled or taken up.  Thank you Jesus for freeing me from that.  Thank you that I have learned the lesson that its good to have a general plan, but that it does not always go as such.  Especially in our lifestyle as farmer/ranchers and living far, far away.  It just doesn't always happen and that is ok, because God has another purpose for those moments.  Like getting to hear your daughter create a puppet story with the flashlight.  Or your son finding a photo album from his first year and wanting to sit to ask about every single detail on every page.  When you have this released mentality of not having something going all the time, you can breathe in and enjoy the questionable looks and inquisitive eyes.  How else will they learn if you don't share with them?

A few weeks ago this verse burst forth in my heart like an explosion of fireworks on Fourth of July over an island.  My parents had come down for the weekend to talk over and look at some potential things in their life.  When they left CR saw it in my eyes and he said to me, "Don't get anxious just yet."  No, he was not bursting my bubble.  He was subtly reminding me that what we see as good and perfect and over the top it would be great for them, the Lord may see something else.  You see, He knows about tomorrow and next week, month, year .... We don't.  We only see the here and now.  We feel the satisfaction of what something could bring if it were to come to fruition, but we do not know His steps.  We must remember that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  So no matter what the outcome, we can rest assure that it will work together for the good.  We just have to trust that if our plan isn't his steps.

Many of you have heard me praise and ponder on home school for our children, especially Kirby Rose.  This past year we gave Classical Conversations a trial run.  She was really too young for the program but we wanted to dabble in and see what it was all about before it really "counted" (if that makes sense - all education counts, but you get the idea).  We loved it.  In my head I want home school to work for us, but the Lord has not placed that on my heart that it is certainly what we need to do.  Although that has been my plan for so long in my head, it has been apparent to us this past 6 months that is is not in the Lords steps for us right now.  Maybe down the road, but for now it is a no.  This has been a very hard pill for me to swallow.  I mean, very hard.  Sometimes I still question it, but for this next year I know we are headed in the direction the Lord has for us.  We have decided to hold Kirby and not have her start kindergarten as her birthday would place her.  She is 7 days shy of the cut off.  She is more than ready.  Her mind amazes me some days and her readiness to read makes my heart giddy.  I hope she always has that desire.  However, I am certain I do not want her leaving for college at 17.  I am certain I do not want her in high school as a barely 13 year old freshman with some 18 and 19 year old seniors.  So that settled it for that.  She will be in a great pre-k program I found that works side by side with the kinder class, so in a way she will get some of their instruction.

Another cool way this verse was ever present in my life this past month?  A senior (not her momma but her!!) asked if she could have it on her custom announcements.  Oh how I pray that my kids understand at 18 that it is the Lord who establishes their next steps in life.

 Sometimes we have to have discussions with who is boss ... and the fact that you DO have to wear clothes and a diaper.  

 How we have spent many afternoons lately...jumping in muddy puddles!  They have never seen so many in their life; not sure Patton ever has seen one.  It's been a drought ever since Kirby was old enough to walk!

 So Patton likes to wear sissy's shoes and they pretend to be superheroes ... I promise they do wear clothes.

 see ...

 Not sure this will ever happen again.

 Helping Daddy Ray on the farm.  

 "Hey Patton, show me your smile!"

 New adventure ... trying out the way back seat.

 Singing for grammy.

 Patton finally got a haircut!  Daddy took him to the barber shop he always went to and where his dad still goes.  

 Patton said he didn't like it, can't you tell?

 Still hates car washes.

 But loves helping daddy on the tractor.  

Lord, we thank you for the rain.  We know we complain about it being too dry, then complain when it is too wet.  We would much rather have this then dry land.  Our cattle can't function on dry land.  Forgive us for complaining for we know you have a plan.  

I hope that everyone is doing well.  Hopefully I will be able to post more often now that senior sessions are settling down.  I still have one left that has been rescheduled about 5 times due to weather, but we will get that done!  I am praising the Lord for his provision in every area of our life.  I prayed that I would be able to take off the rest of this year after I finish up these sessions, and he has provided above and beyond for my business for me to do so.  I must listen and obey and be God's child first, my husbands wife second, mom third and everything else after.  Thank you for the continued prayers.  We love you!

XOXO