Do you ever

feel defeated?  I mean just beat down, drug out, DE.FEAT.ED.  There aren't many times in my life that I can say I have felt this way.  I try to always remember when things don't go "my" way, that it must not be God's way, so hang out awhile and let Him guide you.  Right now, as a momma, I feel totally wrong and like I am ruining my child.  It may be pregnancy emotions mixed in with weariness, exhaustion, and the devil trying to tell me I am worthless.  I feel like I have pushed my child too soon on a couple of things, and all for my own selfishness.  1) I thought she was ready for potty training.  Everything I read says she was.  She was telling me "hu ... poo poo" before she would wet her diaper, she was dry for longer period at a time, and according to one book I read, "if they are 22 months or older, THEY ARE READY."  Well, Kirby wasn't.  Either that or there was too much change and things going on at once for her to totally be ready for it.  She would do really well for me at home, but anywhere else (school, church, in the car) we were having accidents.  We washed the car seat almost every day for a month.  I gave a hard earned run.  But we are back in pull-ups.  2) As mentioned in the post before, we put her in a big girl bed.  There was nothing that told me she was ready for this.  Nothing at all.  I thought it would be better to transition her now with enough time to adjust before a new baby came and "took over" the family and HER bed.  She has loved her bed.  I think too much.  She giggles when she gets in.  She forces herself to stay awake.  She will not nap in it.  For 2 years she slept perfectly (praise the Lord for that blessing) for 2 years.  Then the day we put her in the new bed, everything about her sleeping habits changed.  The no naps have caused sheer exhaustion and over tiredness, which has led to long periods to get her to sleep at night.  Some nights it was just 30 minutes (read a book, sing and rub her back, then leave when she is asleep) .... but last night, oh the mother loads of all nights, it was 3 hours.  It's not 3 hours of straight fighting, but a total of 3 hours.  After 2 I just laid in there and cried, bawled, boo hooed.  Sweet Kirby told me, "It's ok mommy" as she rubbed my back .... "shhh, it's ok mommy".  I explained everything to her that was on my heart.  CR heard me and came in there to my rescue.  At 10:00 she sat with her daddy in his chair while I sat in the shower and just poured my soul out to the Lord.  He kept reminding me, "My grace is sufficient for you, dear child."(stay tuned for a post on this in my other blog)  "Yes, Lord, I know it is, but I feel like I have ruined my child."    So, after much prayer and discussion with CR, we are putting the big bed totally away, hiding it, and putting the crib back up in her room.  We will bring it back out in a couple of months and start all over, this time with daddy just laying her down in bed and walking away.  No mommy laying down with her until she is asleep - no discussions - just bed.

I know I am not a terrible mother.  I know that the world does not win - my God does.  I know that this is a stage that will pass and I eventually will feel peace again.  It's not here yet, but it will come and God will provide the strength.

"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:2