Do you ever

feel defeated?  I mean just beat down, drug out, DE.FEAT.ED.  There aren't many times in my life that I can say I have felt this way.  I try to always remember when things don't go "my" way, that it must not be God's way, so hang out awhile and let Him guide you.  Right now, as a momma, I feel totally wrong and like I am ruining my child.  It may be pregnancy emotions mixed in with weariness, exhaustion, and the devil trying to tell me I am worthless.  I feel like I have pushed my child too soon on a couple of things, and all for my own selfishness.  1) I thought she was ready for potty training.  Everything I read says she was.  She was telling me "hu ... poo poo" before she would wet her diaper, she was dry for longer period at a time, and according to one book I read, "if they are 22 months or older, THEY ARE READY."  Well, Kirby wasn't.  Either that or there was too much change and things going on at once for her to totally be ready for it.  She would do really well for me at home, but anywhere else (school, church, in the car) we were having accidents.  We washed the car seat almost every day for a month.  I gave a hard earned run.  But we are back in pull-ups.  2) As mentioned in the post before, we put her in a big girl bed.  There was nothing that told me she was ready for this.  Nothing at all.  I thought it would be better to transition her now with enough time to adjust before a new baby came and "took over" the family and HER bed.  She has loved her bed.  I think too much.  She giggles when she gets in.  She forces herself to stay awake.  She will not nap in it.  For 2 years she slept perfectly (praise the Lord for that blessing) for 2 years.  Then the day we put her in the new bed, everything about her sleeping habits changed.  The no naps have caused sheer exhaustion and over tiredness, which has led to long periods to get her to sleep at night.  Some nights it was just 30 minutes (read a book, sing and rub her back, then leave when she is asleep) .... but last night, oh the mother loads of all nights, it was 3 hours.  It's not 3 hours of straight fighting, but a total of 3 hours.  After 2 I just laid in there and cried, bawled, boo hooed.  Sweet Kirby told me, "It's ok mommy" as she rubbed my back .... "shhh, it's ok mommy".  I explained everything to her that was on my heart.  CR heard me and came in there to my rescue.  At 10:00 she sat with her daddy in his chair while I sat in the shower and just poured my soul out to the Lord.  He kept reminding me, "My grace is sufficient for you, dear child."(stay tuned for a post on this in my other blog)  "Yes, Lord, I know it is, but I feel like I have ruined my child."    So, after much prayer and discussion with CR, we are putting the big bed totally away, hiding it, and putting the crib back up in her room.  We will bring it back out in a couple of months and start all over, this time with daddy just laying her down in bed and walking away.  No mommy laying down with her until she is asleep - no discussions - just bed.

I know I am not a terrible mother.  I know that the world does not win - my God does.  I know that this is a stage that will pass and I eventually will feel peace again.  It's not here yet, but it will come and God will provide the strength.

"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:2

I updated

my other blog, Feeding the Fervent Heart, with a message I just could not shake first thing this morning.  And a recipe for Enchilada Casserole, mainly because it was triple approved by my dad and he is a foodie :).  He ate it while he was down here on the range helping us plant.  I will never forget that time.

Stop by and check it out, and stay tuned ... I've got some new Kirby insights to share this evening if I can get around to it.

God is always ....

... in control.  "That people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things."  Isaiah 45:6-7

God has many names.  Sometime I would like to do a deeper study on all the names of "The God most high" (EL-ELYON).  But for now, in my book, God is "EL-ROI" , which means the strong one who sees.  He sees all.  All.  All.  I hate to repeat myself, but He sees all.  I am so thankful that He sees all, because that means He knows all and watches over all.  I have a wonderful obgyn.  He is very thorough, very proactive, and very understanding.  He always explains things thoroughly to me and CR and lets us make the ultimate decisions with his guidance.  However, after the last sonogram he somehow failed to mention that I had placenta previa with this baby (he says its because we got off on a tangent about Obama .... hiss).  I had it with Kirby, so when I found out this time  I was not that surprised, but I was a little frustrated that I didn't know.  Why?  Everything was fine.  But, I would not have been doing what I have been doing that last 2 months if I had known this!  Kirby and I trucked many miles from San Antonio, to Montgomery, to back home.  We went on Sea World escapades.  I was hauling her around on my hip and running her to the bathroom to potty train her.  I was helping rearrange furniture ... all of which is a little no-no when you are pregnant to begin with, but when you have previa there is NO LIFTING, PUSHING, or anything that could cause the placenta to totally separate.  Because of EL ROI, I had nothing to worry about.  It didn't matter if I knew, he knew and was taking care of it all.  He was in control.  HAKUNA MA-TATA.
The reason we found out about this suddenly was because the last few days I had been feeling lots of pressure in my cervix and was having contractions.  Braxton hicks I am sure, but they were about every 30 minutes and would make me stop what I was doing, so enough to concern me.  By Tuesday morning I was feeling like if I didn't keep my legs together, this baby was just gonna come on out.  We went in and everything was fine.  He did a thorough check of measurements, checked my cervix, and did a sono and ultrasound.  Previa is almost fully corrected (praise JEHOVAH-RAPHA).  Baby is measuring right on target for 19 weeks (although I say I am 20) and the heart beat was very fast.  The butt was straight up in the air, so for a lot of the ultrasound the screen was off so we couldn't see the gender (teehehehe).  We did get some waves, a gig' em, and a nice foot print.  Hopefully the scans turn out ok on here:

 Baby laying down, hand under the chin doing a "what's up".

 Baby's looking at you!!

Baby foot print!

I lost another pound : / .  Typically I would be happy about this, but not when I am pregnant.  The baby is doing great, so there is no concern there.  I think I need to slow down.  How when I have to keep up with a 2 year old who likes to "run so fast" as she says?  I am sure as the baby continues to grow it will start coming on, but please be praying for continued safety throughout this pregnancy.

A short "Kirby says" excerpt for today, because it is too funny (I think) not to share:
The other night we were getting into Kirby's big girl bed to read a story.  I had picked out the Runaway Bunny story.  As I am reading it, she stops me and:
Kirby: Mommy, cow book.  Want the cow book.
Me: Ok, we can read the cow book.  Where is it?
Kirby: In the bucket.  Over there.  (points to the bucket and begins to crawl down from the bed)  She then looks up and says, "wait, wait here ... I'll get it.  Shhhh .... wait, shhhh."