More than Enough

And all of you
Is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

This is a beautiful song by Jeremy Camp.  This is my life song right now.  I sing it over and over and over.  I sing it to Jesus.  I then I sing just this part to Kirby:

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me

Because He is and because she is.  He is what fills my cup every new morning.  He is what soothes me to sleep.  He is what gave me life and gives me eternal life.  He is more than I can ever get from this life.  And Kirby is more than I ever imagined in the gift of a child.  I thank God daily for choosing CR and I to have the blessing of a child and the blessing of that child being Kirby.  I do.  I really, really do and I really, really mean that if she is all we ever have, she is more than enough.

But my heart can't help but cry.  I wish I was stronger.  I wish I was like my friend Jenni Hankins who has had a content heart through their struggle with not only infertility, but the waiting and waiting of adoption.  Her husband told me the other day, "It's so nice that through all of this, we haven't ever had any grief about it."  I wish with all my heart I could say the same thing.  I try to be that confident, pure spirit about it, but in the silence with God I break.  I mean I break down.  

I was doing good until January when I had a chemical miscarriage.  It happened at 3 a.m. and before I even got out of my bed, my heart knew what had happened.  I was o.k. with it .. after reading why they occur I was really o.k. with it.  It is amazing how God formed our bodies and how everything works together.  And when something ain't right, it does the right thing to fix it.  Terrible to say that a miscarriage is the right thing.  

Then after that, just about everyone we know asks us when we are going to give Kirby a little sibling.  I was used to that from when we were trying before and everyone was saying, "When are you going to start a family?  Don't you think it's time to start a family?"  

My friend Kayla Nemec tackles infertility issues head on as well.  I love her reminders.  I love how she has taken positive, public steps to deal with the pain of the issue.  I pray for her daily, that she would get to experience at least a Kirby in her life.

Cause that is just it ... I should be so happy and feel blessed beyond measure that God gave me at least this one chance at being a mother.  I'm not saying I will never be able to get pregnant.  I am not saying I am giving up the possibility and that God is done with me.  Hear me loud and clear, I  HAVE FAITH LIKE A MUSTARD SEED.  Again the issue is that I am not ovulating.  We haven't tried any medication yet, because I know that when God's timing is ready it will all work out again. 

Now, how do I get that message from my head down to the inner most veins of my heart?

He is more than enough.  Kirby is more than enough.  CR is more than enough.  My cup literally runneth over, yet I crave more ...