AND THEN in the very next chapter, he is asked to give that son back to the Lord. Um, what? "After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him." Genesis 22:1-4
Do you notice anything about Abraham when the Lord asked him to sacrifice his "son, his only son?" He did. He rose early and started preparing.
As I sit here with my favorite cup of decaf coffee in my favorite "Mrs. Kay" mug settled in my hand, and try, try so very hard to put into words everything that is going on in my heart and head, I think, "gosh, he just did."
There are no circumstances with God. None. He puts people in our lives, actions in our day, and things before us for specific reasons. I see the truth in this the more I desperately, whole hearted-ly seek Him and His will. Twice last week I heard the story of Abraham. One was about waiting on God's promise to make him a father of many nations and then being asked to sacrifice his son in a sermon podcast by David Platt. The other was just about sacrificing Isaac and was in our Sunday School lesson at church. "I hear you, Lord, Abraham was a pillar of faith and a great example. Still doesn't answer my dilemma ..."
Oh but it does dear one.
I love how Abraham did not lash out and question whether it was the voice of God he was hearing or his stupid emotions. I love how he did not have to call up his closest prayer partners to ask them to pray for this situation he was in. I love how he heard and he did. He did not meddle on it for 2 weeks. He did not try to convince himself otherwise. "He rose". He prepared. He went.
All. In. Faith.
Patton is down for a nap and so is Bowen {air five on that one!}. I finally had some time today to get into the Word and into my Bible study Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer. I am doing this study because this is what our women's group is doing this semester at church. Or is that why I am doing it? When I first opened the pages I thought, "This will be great ... I have been trying to memorize all the different parts of the armor of God for a long time now, maybe this will help me. It won't help what I am struggling with right now, but I am sure I can find application of this along the way."
Oh my dear child. You have no idea how clueless you really are and how much you belittle what I can do and reveal to you.
As I concluded day 5 today, I could not wait to get to the computer to write. I had to. It was this vicious pull that I kept trying to push down and down, but He kept telling me "you have to ...".
If you read my previous post, you know I have been in deep prayer about something in my life. Some of you know because I called you desperately asking for prayer along side me. Some of you may have a good guess because, well, I am not always the most private person. And others are clueless which is what I wanted. Haha.
However, the more I put off sharing, the more I feel like I am questioning the Lord when I know I hear him loud and clear. Clearer than ever before. The more I say, "well, maybe its not the time to make the decision," the more I feel like I am putting Him off. And that is not what I want. It is just scary. Change is scary.
But, my dearest Lauren, you know, full well know, that "all things work together for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 {Side note .... this was a verse that was preached on Sunday .... HELLO!!!}
So, here it goes ... oh gosh I may go vomit ....
I am stepping away from professional photography.
My fingers just. went. numb.
This is a calling that I hear ever so clearly. The Lord tried to reveal it to me way back when I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't slow down. Then I was put on bed rest .... didn't slow down. Then I had early, early strong contractions; still didn't slow down. Then I had Bowen .... my saving grace on Earth. Slowwwww down.
As I was fighting writing this post I hopped up and started folding the laundry piled up on our dining room table (don't judge - I have a newborn). Then I heard His still, ever so gentle voice again.
Lauren, I gave you an extra year with Kirby and you took it .... now, what are you going to do with it?
"Ok, ok, I hear you. Loud and clear."
Now, what does this all mean? That is not clear ... but neither was it clear to Abraham what the replacement sacrifice was going to be. I just know with all my heart this is our next season. If I am disobedient and continue to put off what He is so clearly revealing to me, then what will we miss out on? What blessing will I miss in the midst of continuing what I am doing if it is out of His will?
I will of course take care of the clients I already have on the calendar for 2016. And believe me, during all this going back and forth there have been plenty of opportunities for me to take part of some amazing things with my business in the next year .... the schemes of Satan are no joke ladies and gents. But I can't - that is the only clear word in all this.
The last 4 years I have been home, but I have not been present. I have been here, but not really here. I feel like I have missed so much right under my nose. As I talked this over with my husband, I just fought back the tears as I whispered through the knot in my throat thinking of all the opportunities I passed up, "I just want to be a mom."
Last week I was signed up to be a chaperon and driver for a school field trip to the pumpkin patch with Kirby. It got rained out. I cried. Hard ... wept like a baby in my bathroom so she would not see. Last year if this had been the case, I would not have signed up because that would have been a great day to knock out editing a session or designing an album. Or catching up on house work because the day before I neglected everything, including my husband, to work on Route One. Or I would have gone but my mind would have been elsewhere.
I feel like when you are a work from home, stay at home mom, you are always working. You can constantly be doing something to better your business. Or to catch up. Or to stay on top of. And at what cost?
I feel like when you are a work from home, stay at home mom, you are always working. You can constantly be doing something to better your business. Or to catch up. Or to stay on top of. And at what cost?
The scariest part in all of this, is trusting that we will make it financially. I know we will. I full well know we will. It will mean sacrifices, and ones we won't want to take, but being obedient to the Lord is just that in a nutshell. Faith. Full out, no holding back, Abraham like faith. Mustard seeds.
The other night after (I thought) Kirby had finished her pizza she comes up to CR and I with her sliver of pizza on her wrist (like a watch) and says, "Your time is in My hands." Oh my how it sooooo is my dear, precious spunky girl.
Pirate day.
Nerd day.
Bowen finally got to meet his great grandma. We surprised her, and her smile was literally from ear to ear.
My new motto, which is not so new but what I am finally trying to live out ....
